Forget everything what you saw in movies

No, really — forget. Because cinema love effect, not the essence. On screen all is bright, leather rustle, whip crack, and breathe on back danger. But in real BDSM — it is not only about pain, ropes and power. It is first about trust, subtlety, boundaries and contact.

Paradox but true: real BDSM is one of most careful space in intimacy

But only if you can find way in it. Because yes, you can put mask, take whip, make “woof” — and after week wake up with broken self-esteem and feeling you were used.

So let’s talk not about pain — but how not enter it, if you want explore BDSM like game, pleasure, form of closeness, not like trauma under latex.

Start with main: BDSM is not about violence

It is about game in control. About pre-agreed, conscious, safe and voluntary model where one gives, other takes — and both get what want.

BDSM can be different: with pain, without pain, with discipline, soft submission, role plays, simple touches. And yes, many practice no need whip or gag — sometimes enough look, phrase, order to make all hundred times more interesting.

So if deep inside you have wish “try something like but without shame and pain” — you not broken. You just normal, living person who want keep self — and it’s beautiful.

Why it needed?

Because BDSM is about boundaries. About not break them, but feel. Where you ends, where partner begins, how you control body, trust, control. Because big pleasure — not to be “hard or submissive” but play with rules.

You can be giver. Or director. Or change roles. Or just stand aside and watch how other person open like new continent.

Main — understand BDSM — not way punish self, not try please partner, not “variety so he not leave”. It is independent choice of adult: play tension, give to fantasy, but stay yourself.

How play — and not burn?

This is most important question. Because sex practices easy become psychological battlefield if enter with wrong motivation or partner who no can hold you — not hands but attention.

Basic rules:

1. Don’t play if want prove “I am good”

If scared say no. If agree “because he wants”. If feel it not yours but afraid be boring — stop. Any experience start with “I feel bad but try so he not leave” — is violence on self.

BDSM — no compromise. It is dialogue equals. Even if “in submissive role” — you no thing. You person who allow do something with self. Key word: allow. Not endure. Not agree. But choose.

2. Discuss EVERYTHING before

Yes, it no kill spontaneity — it save psyche.

Discuss need:

• who what role play;

• what can and cannot — body, emotional, verbal;

• is stop-word (and which);

• what triggers (what hurt for sure);

• how get out from game — because “after” more important than “during”.

Without this base you no partners, but two tourists no map in minefield.

3. No start with harsh

No need gag, spanking and hanging first. It like jump in pool with ice water — maybe effect but consequences.

Start small: limit vision, light orders, voice games, bans, costumes, control breath or moves. All this — already BDSM. But soft, safe, “vanilla plus”.

With time you understand what like, where your pleasure zones, how body react, what bring joy, what no.

4. Partner is everything

With who you play — decide all. Really all.

Good BDSM partner — no who can tie strong. But who:

• hear “no” and respect it;

• keep space;

• no lose contact even if you “submissive”;

• no forget you two — no only him “master”.

If after game you scared, awkward, want cry, and partner say “you self want” — run. No explain. It no game, it abuse.

5. Feedback must

Even if all soft. Even if “seems ok”. Need breath out, talk, hug (if want), share feelings. This called aftercare — care after practice. Without it BDSM become like exploitation. With it — like deep intimate trip.

And yes, if you play “strong” role, you also need care. Because control — not only power, but responsibility.